Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Porn Star or Surrogate? (The Perils of Ebay)

First off, let me apologize for the past two weeks of utter ridiculousness. I realize I haven't written a blog post since 10/14, which is dispicable and unforgivable. Perhaps that's a dead giveaway that I need to get off my pregnant, burgeoning arse immediately and sign up for NaBloPoMo this month.


(BURGEONING BUM)

And, it's not even like I have a good excuse  for not writing. Yes, I'm pregnant, so I'm a bit tired and out of sorts, but honestly, that excuse can only get you so far in your second trimester, which supposedly "brings welcome relief from the first."

I've actually been quite bored, and doing some of the most boring things I can think of. Such as, scouring google for an old shade of lipstick I used to wear, that I *loved*, which of course, was eventually discontinued (hence the countless hours of googling discontinued and overstock cosmetic sites.) I'm not sure if it's just "my luck" or what, but EVERY SINGLE cosmetic that I get attached to - mainly lipsticks, lip glosses - gets discontinued a few years later, after I've seriously honed my addiction. This, my friends, leads to impetuously and impulsively buying up shades and shades of lipsticks that are "close" in color - but that always fail the minute I glide it across my own lips.

This, I suppose, is just the way of the world.

I am entirely aware of how LAME this all really is, considering the fact that I do, actually, have WAY more important things I could be doing, such as working on my first novel and finishing my screen play script, or hell even going buck wild at Babies R Us and registering like it's my job. But no. I've been surfing facebook, baking a little too often and eating a few too many cookies/pumpkin whoopie pies, and shopping for discontinued shades of lipstick.

In my rudimentary searches, I came across a fantastic site, 3 Custom Color. Get this - if you mail them a sample - even but a smudge! - of an old lipstick, eye shadow, whatever, they can match it and recreate a brand new one for you. Okay, is that not AMAZING? (I think it is.)

Finally, I decided (a bit apprehensively) to hit up ebay. I had never "ebayed" before - my only experience with the site was thinking, "now why didn't I think of that?" while watching The 40 Year Old Virgin and realizing dammit, you could've started a "We can sell your stuff for you on ebay" store! What have you been doing the last 10 years?!

Right. Searching for lipsticks. Reading the dictionary. Facebooking. Procrastinating. Writing a blog post about discontinued lipstick and the perils of ebay. Important stuff. Evidently, I'm very busy.

Then again, I had never even used ebay before, so how, pray tell, would I open a "We can sell your stuff for you on ebay" store? Enough said, moving on.

So I did a little search on ebay for my lipstick shade. Sure enough, all these slighty cryptic descriptions popped up, misspelled words and all (a shame!). I picked the first one, saw that unlike the others, it promised to be "sealed". (BTW, how is it legal to sell unsealed lipstick, anyway? It's like asking, "And how would you like to get Herpes today?" Seriously.) Obviously, anything goes in the land of ebay.

I plugged my credit card info into the Pay Pal thing (which in and of itself was a relief). Next, I got an email confirmation. Which kind of sort of REALLY creeped me out. It read:

Dear Kerri,

This email confirms that you have paid leslie king (freebabytaxi69@xxx.com) $12.99 USD using PayPal. This credit card transaction will appear on your bill as "PAYPAL *MRSBRIGG".

Freebabytaxi69?
Um. Seriously?

Immediately, I thought "@#%&". I've been screwed. My credit card information AND my address to boot is now in the hands of an amateur porn star (who evidently gets even more cheap thrills by also moonlighting as an ebay thief), and she's coming to get me and is going to drag me and my pregnant arse into her "69 taxi" and sell me into a life of prostitution in the mean streets of downtown LA, left for dead on a street corner somewhere in the ghetto with nothing to my name but a size-too-small hot pink platform shoes, looking a lot like Courtney Love. Or, I've just allowed a crazed, wanna-be surrogate mother aka CRACKHEAD - who goes by the pseudonym "Mrs. Briggs" - into my life, and she's coming to find me.

@#%&.

I then go and look at her picture on her ebay store profile to see if that comforts me, or makes me feel worse about the current situation. Please, please, PLEASE have a soccer mom haircut and be 40 years old ('69, yeah!).

But no. She's got a leopard skin tight shirt on, trailer park, Aqua-netted hairspray hair (bottle blonde, aka orange), and bright bubble gum pink collagen-ized lips.

Great. Grrrrrreat.

So, I closed out of my browser, and just hoped for the best. I locked my doors and swore to myself that if I actually *did*  get a package in the mail from "Mrs Briggs" aka Free Baby Taxi 69, I would open it very, very slowly and watch for any illegal powdery white substances that may or may not sprinkle out. Then, I resigned myself to the fact that my lipstick was a hoax, a terrible ebay scam that probably happened at least 333 times a day to innocent non-ebayers like myself.

I sighed, and thought about how I'd rather go another 55 years without my favorite lipstick than be stalked by Mrs Briggs and her wanton uterus and/or permiscuous cross-country-traveling vagina.

Sure enough, a few days later, A goes and checks the mail.

A: "You got a package. From a....MRS BRIGGS?"

Me [non chalantly, as if she were just a run-of-the-mill Avon lady]:  Oh yeah, that's just a lipstick I ordered. [Secretly hoping a plastic dildo or something didn't drop out of the package.]

I waited for A to absorb into the living room couch, and I scurried with my package into the bathroom. I carefully opened the package, peeked inside, and saw the following:




Yup. My long lost, kissable lipstick was finally in my possession!! Score. It was even SEALED. Go figure. It seems that despite her private shenanigans, Mrs Briggs is a trustworthy lady when it comes to her ebaying principles.

I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief, and promised myself to remember that I shouldn't judge people by their names, no matter how porn star sounding they are, or by their photographs (I mean, hey, we've all made bad choices when it comes to hair and lipstick choices, right?)

7 comments:

Akirah said...

HAHAHAH! That's hilarious. I'm glad Mrs. Briggs wasn't a scam artist...for your sake and for your lips' sake too!

carissajaded said...

Awesome story!! i've never ordered anything off Ebay, but I had a kind of scary situation evolve after I put up a humorous fake add on Craigslist. I want to see the pic of Mrs. Briggs now! An all my favorite lip glosses have been discontinued as well.. what is up with that!?

Kerri said...

Thanks ladies! I know, so annoying about discontinued cosmetics. Isn't it the truth though! It's like they know they're going to bait you in with this really awesome color, and then once you get attached, they pull it from shelves nationwide and you have to suffer through withdrawals. (Seriously when mine was discontinued in '03, I felt like I needed an Intervention to get through the days...and especially the nights!) However, Mrs Briggs has shown me there is a glimmer of hope in a world gone mad, and in more ways than one! :)

Kevin Asmus said...

IM MRS. BRIGGS!!! HA!!! I GOT YOU NOW SUCKA!!

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Kerri said...

Thank you "anonymous" for your comment! I appreciate that. And sorry I haven't written in a long-arse while. I'm on a bit of a pregnancy-induced writing hiatus...I hope to be back in action soon!

Aimee said...

hahaha. maybe she resealed it after using it...aah the wonders of sticky-tape ;)

just kidding...kinda.

x
Aimee